Sunday Errata 12/17: Good gradually overcomes evil
In a fawn-like, wobbly step toward semi-permanence, here are a handful of stories/concepts I tinkered with during the week, but was either too lazy, or too lazy, to render as full posts — brought to you in the condensed form of Sunday Errata. While I hope you’ll find everything mildly entertaining and/or informative, I would actually suggest you skip to the bottom for The Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Heard. You’ll laugh out loud. Guaranteed.
• Progress in the fields of AIDS and breast cancer
Yup: just in time for Christmas, this week saw surprising advances in the fields of both AIDS and breast cancer. What struck me as most amazing — though, perhaps, not most startling — is that each reported triumph had little to do with FDA-approved wünderdrugs; no, in each instance, it was simply a matter of practice.
Researchers now hesitantly conclude that the 7% drop in breast cancer rates since 2003 — and the 15% drop from August ‘02 through September ‘03 — is the result of declining hormone treatments for menopausal women. And, according to clinical trials in Kenya and Uganda, the risk of contracting (and transmitting) the virus responsible for AIDS is halved — halved — in men who have been circumsised.
Next we’ll learn that quitting smoking actually reduces the likelihood of lung cancer, and that regular exercise can result in weight loss. Are we really so far gone that we need to “discover” these things?
• Harry Potter wins for the wrong reasons
On Thursday, the Georgia Board of Education (which, I was heartened to learn, does actually exist) voted down a crazy lady’s petition to have the Harry Potter books removed from her local library. Her argument (scroll down), as we’ve been conditioned to expect, was that “[they’re] mainstreaming witchcraft in a subtle and deceptive manner, in a children-friendly format.” Just like — the Board acknowledged in its ruling — Macbeth and Cinderella. Maybe if this mother of three had made her claim on the basis that J.K. Rowling is a sub-par author, she would’ve fared better.
Consequently, according to the American Library Association (which, again, does actually exist), Harry Potter’s been “challenged” in similar arenas 115 times since 2000 — more than any other text in the 21st century. So, if J.D. Salinger weeps in a cloistered Connecticut estate, and no one’s there to hear it but a half-mad, conversation-starved personal assistant, do his sobs make a sound?
• FedEx gets Kinko’d
Back in 2003, when FedEx and Kinkos merged, everyone hoped for the best; after all, with a $2.4 billion buy-out, FedEx was the top to Kinkos’ bottom — surely, the former’s timeliness, professionalism, and accountability would butt-fuck the latter into submission. Right?
Kinkos was the bane of my existence in grad school, when I routinely had to run copies of short fiction for my workshops — fifteen xerox machines to a location, only four of which were functional, and those four hoarded by septegenarians mimoing invitations to their grandson’s briss. Well, when I visited the local FedEx/Kinkos earlier this year, I was certainly impressed: all their xerox machines worked, and I could pay with my credit card (rather than feeding it dimes).
Yeah, anyway. I went back to that same location this week, and can only report that FedEx is being gradually, but undoubtedly, Kinko’d. Slow, surly service, lines out the door, hardware either not working or inexplicably unplugged — I guess Kinkos got tired of taking a constant pounding and introduced FedEx to heroin. Oh, well.
• The cleanest water on earth
I’ve promised myself no more than a few words on the subject — both because it’s totally retarded, and because I want to get to the next bullet-point (i.e., The Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Heard) — but it has to be said:
We have a dishwasher. When we unload the dishwasher, tupperware (more than anything else) tends to retain excess water — either in its little fissures, or pooled around inside. And I am convinced that this residual dishwasher water in the cleanest liquid on earth. Cleaner than my Brita, cleaner than glacier water. I would bathe the baby Jesus in this water. I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this, but I do.
• Nog ‘N’ Noggin
And, finally:
For the past nine years, a close friend of mine has hosted Nog ‘N’ Noggin, a holiday party centered around eggnog (evidently) and Trivial Pursuit. Now, my teams — always randomly assigned — have traditionally been a hallmark of losing, ineptitude, and poor sportsmanship, but we’ve somehow swept the past two contests; I attribute this entirely to Lis (couples, due to a cheating scandal in 2000, are considered a single entity), whose stewardship has endowed us with a culture of winning.
(I’m allowed to roll the dice. That my contribution doesn’t extend much further is probably the secret to our success.)
Anyhow, last night’s funniest moment came courtesy of Rodney, who is very generously allowing me to reprint this anecdote. Rodney’s got a friend in Hollywood who works as a PA; back in 1997, while on the set of Suicide Kings, this PA invited the entire cast and crew to his housewarming party, and was astounded when Christopher Walken showed-up.
Commandering a bottle of gin, Walken wandered around the soiree until the PA eventually corned him; a life-long fan, the PA wanted to know Walken’s views on acting, the industry, everything — summed-up with the breathless inquery, “What does it mean to be Christopher Walken?”
After only a moment’s thought, the great man replied, “Being Christoper Walken means getting to fuck Swoosie Kurtz in the ass whenever you like.”
I don’t know if that makes me envious of Christopher Walken or not, but it’s definitely the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. And good luck topping it.
