We both knew this day was coming, desk chair. Or, perhaps, you didn’t: given all the indignities you’ve suffered — yet endured, in your pathetic fashion — perhaps you’ve come to think of yourself as immortal. Well, you’re not: you’re a crappy desk chair, and I’m replacing you.
You were pristine, once. During the time I […]

I’d like to thank whoever peppered my neighborhood with Magnolia trees: always the first to bloom — often, two or three weeks before the weather’s consistently warm, which helps the wait — and such a pleasant surprise to find on your block.
Sure, the leaves fall off and stink. And, sure, Magnolia was so bad that […]

April 8 was the Boston Red Sox’s 108th home-opener, and the ceremonial first pitch was thrown out by none other than Bill Buckner. Now, while all of Red Sox Nation — because I wouldn’t want to limit my appraisal to the residents of Boston, proper — congratulates itself for making such a munificent gesture, I’ll […]

For the past week or so, I’ve been drafting an open letter to Floridian Democrats — but I can’t focus on those yahoos without losing my temper. (Suffice it to say, careful throwing around the term “disenfranchised.” You look stupid enough as it is, without paying lip service to the political equivalent of “reverse racism.”) […]

Yet another writer has been caught passing fiction as memoir; and with the inevitable mention of James Frey and A Million Little Pieces, I have to ask again — are we absolutely certain he’s still alive? Has anyone seen James Frey recently? Somebody should bring that guy some groceries.
Anyway, you have to wonder if this […]

Lots of activity in the past hour: as we near the “publication” date of SMOKER, I’ve been updating all the burps, as well as uploading some new material. Please take the time to peruse everything; in particular, the new burps are respectively entitled Apostate, Brand Loyalty, Chew!, Coda, December 31, 2003, and The 30th Annual […]

All right, is everyone clear which fantasy pitchers they should and shouldn’t draft? I can only hope five months was adequate time for the lesson to sink in.
Actually, there was a good reason for my absence: I was terribly, terribly burned out. Not that you’d necessarily know it from the quality of or frequency with […]

Yesterday I mentioned a disputed trade in one of the public leagues I’ve joined (I’m actually participating in three open leagues — the drafts are like spring training, opportunity to stretch my legs against lesser competition, even while a vein on Lis’s forehead starts to pulse furiously) — Frank Thomas for Francisco Rodriguez. Well, okay, […]

So, what’s the deal? I promise to start writing more regularly, then flitter off into the ether? Well, I’ll tell you what: it takes a while to generate all these spreadsheets:
Catchers.pdf
1B.pdf
2B.pdf
3B.pdf
SS.pdf
OF1.pdf
OF2.pdf
That right: out of the goodness of my heart (or manic, uncontrollable impulses), I’m willing to provide easy-to-download spreadsheets for all the childrens. Of course, […]

It’s been a while since I last posted, and certainly not for lack of material: Walter Reed, Scooter Libby, Harry Potter in the nude — any one of these scandals might’ve warranted my attention, had I not been engaged in matters of far greater significance: fantasy baseball. Specifically, the intense preparation that goes into my […]

Last week’s Stinger and the Rats post has become quite popular, thanks in large part to the mention it received in The Yourdon Report. And of the many appreciative, bemused, and/or automated responses it’s generated, one has touched me in particular: a brief comment left by my old pal, Irish Nick.
Nick and I met nearly […]

Every so often, Lis and I will overnight babysit my nephew, now 4-years-old; and on these occasions, every woman in my family takes the opportunity to hiss, “Tough, huh? A real armful, huh? And that was only one night — imagine you had him all the time! Not ready for a kid, are you?”
To which, […]

What follows is a misguided (and, hopefully, relatively brief) incident of sports-related dementia. That right there might be enough to dissuade a handful of potential readers from forging on; as for all the rest of you, please bear with me.
Relatively brief backstory: I’m in a fantasy basketball league — and I presume no one needs […]

In a fawn-like, wobbly step toward semi-permanence, here are a handful of stories/concepts I tinkered with during the week, but was either too lazy, or too lazy, to render as full posts — brought to you in the condensed form of Sunday Errata. While I hope you’ll find everything mildly entertaining and/or informative, I would […]

I’m a terrible sport; it’s tempting to say “worst sport, ever,” but I’m trying to avoid superlatives (”best” and “worst” just play into the psychosis). As evidence, I cite a family vacation from years ago:
We were somewhere with a beach, and I was probably about five or six. I remember challenging my mom to a […]

You might’ve noticed a recent improvement to the website: a little more pop, a little more punch, and an adorable, cranky child gracing the banner. (I don’t know who that kid is, but he sure looks bitter. Probably trying to kick cigarettes.)
First, I’d like to express my thanks and gratitude to the good folk at […]

And what a mind-numbing week it was, spent holed-up in civil court. We’re due back on Monday to render a verdict, but I can say this much now: when you find yourself pacing the narrow confines of the gas chamber — yes, you, Rollo Tomasi — wondering just who did you in? It was me […]

I hope this post doesn’t arrive too late to save/spare the majority of my readers (i.e., both of you, and screw Reader #3), but I’m not exactly working under a deadline. If anyone’s willing to kick some money toward my efforts, I’d happily stay up later on a Wednesday.
Today, most Americans will partake in a […]

No, probably not, but you’ve heard the story by now: Michael Richards recently mouthed-off to some hecklers at a comedy club, calling them “niggers,” among other things. CNN was covering the story this morning — since he made a public apology on Letterman last night — and what I found most remarkable wasn’t his infraction; […]

Lis’s brother emailed me about this website yesterday; it was created by the Music Genome Project, which I believe received mention in a recent New Yorker article about the present state of Muzak.
Simply put, the site asks that you identify a song or artist that you like (I went with Iron & Wine, because I’m […]