Dear New York Road Runners (NYRR),
I am writing to request an invitation to the Thirtieth Annual Empire State Building Run-Up. Your website promises that “selections [will be] based on athletic ability and background.” Simply put: my “background” as a smoker ideally qualifies me for the event.
First of all, I am no longer a smoker — […]

He preferred autumn to other months: dunes of gross, sodden leaves, heavy sweaters, and the pads of his fingers turned mysteriously pruney. Humidity makes an odor stick. In autumn, he wore the scent of tobacco like a shroud.
~
His first car didn’t have an ashtray: even at terrific speeds, he could edge a tremulous half-inch into […]

As a teenager, he was terrified he’d encounter his parents on the street. They’d kill him if he got caught. They’d never speak to him again. It was the worst thing he could possibly imagine — so bad, in fact, that he couldn’t possibly imagine it: just some foggy fin de siécle, in which he’d […]

Freshman year of college, he gave soccer a shot, faring well that first day — but when asked who among them had captained their high school teams, thirty-eight hands went up (out of forty), his included. A 5-mile run was scheduled for later that afternoon: thus, the final hurrah for team sports.
Instead, he dated a […]

At sixteen, the spirit moves you. Your parents — howling atheists, each — would levitate if they found out; but once in the world, you can finally, publicly, reveal yourself. Your mother cries. Your father threatens violence. But you’re resolved.
Wherever you go, battle lines have been drawn. Discrimination is rote — and while your rights […]

His very first cigarette came on New Year’s Eve, 1993: one of a gaggle of teenagers, huddled under the stars. They were vacationing in Florida, his parents gone off to bed. When he was offered an illicit smoke, it was because his newfound beach pals didn’t know him; couldn’t appreciate how laughable, the idea of […]

During exams, they commandeered adjacent study carrels. Every sixty minutes or so, someone would rap on the partition, or waggle a disembodied hand in the air, and they’d adjourn for a smoke.
The library faced north, down a sloping hill: the west side of the quad was devoted to the Sciences — and to the east, […]

In 2003, Mayor Michael Bloomberg — himself a former smoker, ironically — announces a citywide ban, effective Sunday, March 30: any bar in New York’s five boroughs which continues to allow smoking will be fined for each infraction — and these fines will be not insubstantial.
The reaction is mixed: whereas a 1995 ban on smoking […]

What if she dies?
What?
If she dies: you’d smoke then — right?
Why even think something like that?
Well … it’s kind of inevitable, isn’t it? No, don’t answer that — too morbid. Instead, all right – imagine this: you’re a widower. Okay? A sophisticated widower. Let’s say you’re in your sixties, still holding-up well – you live […]

Shortly after a baseball game of no little consequence, a beat reporter stands poised. The team’s rookie sensation, batting second in the lineup and newly promoted to the outfield, is questioning his recent performance: “I just didn’t have it, bro, not today. I mean, I was there — mentally and physically — but I didn’t […]

You are doing great!
You think so?

Oh, yeah, absolutely! So great.
Gee, thanks for noticing — it means a lot.
Totally. Everyone’s super-impressed — or would be, if they could appreciate the magnitude of what you’ve accomplished. Did you expect it to be harder?
It’s funny: I did and didn’t. I mean, on the one hand? I’m a pretty […]

He dated a tall girl in college, named Staci. (This was toward the end of his four years.) Staci was a severe asthmatic — really bad, scary stuff — who also smoked Camel Lights. So, it’s a fair question: what the heck was Staci doing smoking Camels, when she had such bad asthma? Perhaps, had […]

His first serious girlfriend was a smoker, and it nearly left her deaf. (Deaf, not dead.) This is a fact: smoking can affect a person’s hearing. He asked Hendershot once:
“It’s a carcinogen,” Hendershot spat. “What do you expect? That it’ll put the pep back in your step? Smoking performs countless, grievous sins against your body. […]

A guy schedules a doctor’s appointment, complaining of head pains. Upon entering the examination room, the doctor consults his file and inquires, “May I ask what you do for a living?”
“I’m a pugilist,” the guy replies.
“A pugilist?”
“A boxer.”
“Ah,” the doctor grunts, closing the folder. “Well, there’s your problem.”
“How’s that?”
“You’re a boxer?” he confirms. “I imagine […]